One Step Ahead of Fear

Walls.  We all have them at some point in our lives.  Some walls are for protection, others are for stability and then there are the walls that can become detrimental to our ability to maintain the relationships in our lives. 

I have built up walls and torn them down as each phase of my life has come and gone. I built up walls around my spirituality after leaving a cult. Years of seeking and testing led to me tearing it down once I knew what I believed for myself.  I built up walls of protection from harmful situations, held my boundaries till I was safe & strong and then those walls came down as well. But there are some walls that are decades old that I have only reinforced over the years.  I was encouraged recently to stand strong in my power and tear them down if I want to find true happiness, love and purpose. It’s going to take work, but I’m ready.  (deep breath…)

From the time I was around 14 I began building walls, walls that held mirrors with preconceived reflections of myself that were just not accurate.  I shaped those reflections from the way I was treated by the people around me, especially boys/men.  I was never looked up on as being attractive, I was viewed as the “friend” or “sister” and heard the negative comments regarding my appearance that would come from other females.  I was never told I was beautiful till much later in life and that shaped how I saw myself.  I don’t trust people when they tell me I’m beautiful because that was not something I was made to believe in my formative years. The outcome I need from tearing down this wall is trust. I need to be able to trust what I’m being told, but more importantly I need to trust in myself and if I don’t then my relationships will never grow into what they could be. I accepted my body and my appearance as it is (or how I perceive it is) and let go of other’s opinions of it a few years ago, but accepting and trusting that I AM beautiful hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve been told that the right person would make me believe it, but how can they if I don’t tear that wall down and let them in first.  (rolls up sleeves…)

They say men and women can’t be just friends, I’ve heard this my whole life.  I’ve always had more in common with males than females, maybe because they always treated me like a friend instead of a “girl”, I liked to play sports and I wasn’t a girly-girl, I don’t know.  I’ve maintained opposite sex friendships most of my life, but was always told that they want more than friendship and not to trust them.  When I was younger I made so many male friends that were interested in one of my female friends that being platonic was easy and bonds formed.  I learned how to be friends with guys with no ulterior motives going on behind the scenes. So why is this an issue for me? Because sometimes females don’t support other females and this causing issues. I had female “friends” sit me down and tell me that this behavior isn’t right and I was being looked at as a flirt, easy, just wanting men’s attention and so another wall was built, a wall I’ve tried to break down many times, but was rebuilt by opinions and “heart felt concern” that my behavior was inappropriate. I will be honest, this wall has kept me from truly building a strong, solid foundation of friendship for my relationships. I want a best friend in whoever my partner will be, someone I can count on, trust to tell them everything and be respected and trusted by to reciprocate.  By not allowing myself to be friends with men on more than just a surface level as I would my closest female friends, I have sabotaged my relationships causing them to fail. This also led to jumping relationship to relationship, missing out on that solid foundation that could never be built due to lack of emotional trust and intimacy. (puts on gloves…)

These walls have led to the building and reinforcing of a wall so big it encircles my heart and soul. This wall was built by a lack of trust in myself.  Even though I have developed strong characteristics that would make me a good partner for someone, there is still a hesitancy within myself to fully give myself over, not trusting that I would be good enough. I know I have got in my own way because of this, have missed out on some truly worthy men that would have treated me with respect and loved me the way I’ve always longed for because I couldn’t trust myself to open up. I am talking about trusting someone with the deepest, most intimate part of my soul that I can’t seem to trust myself enough to give. Don’t mistake me, I have been mistreated, abused and grossly disrespected by men,  which warrants a lack of trust, but that’s a topic for another time.  All I know is that if I don’t get to work, if I don’t break down these walls I’ve allowed to remain for far too long I’ll never know how wonderful true, lasting love can actually be. I am ready, let’s do this! (grabs sledgehammer and swings…)