One Step Ahead of Fear

Grief.  It’s one of the hardest and strongest emotions to feel because you’re grieving something you’ll will never have again. Grief doesn’t just happen when someone dies, it could be grieving over a life you planned but it didn’t happen or ending a relationship with a friend or a relative or significant other. Everyone experiences grief of some sort in their lives, but how do we deal with it? How do we cope and move forward?

Losing someone you love is never easy, it’s heartbreaking and impacts your life in a way that nothing else does. For me, when I love someone I give them all of me so when they are gone it’s like having a piece of myself ripped away. That is not something to easily get over or move on from. Losing my mom almost 9 years ago was the first time I experienced real gut wrenching grief. I didn’t get to handle it the way I really needed to, I had to stuff it down, set it aside to handle life for those around me because no one else was going to. The person in my life that always helped me get through the tough times was now gone and I felt lost. My father wasn’t there for me, he was off doing things I never would have imagined. My husband wasn’t offering any consolation or understanding, he made it all about his grief and suffering. I had 4 children under 10 that needed to be taken care of so I had to set it aside to make sure life kept going. I didn’t begin to process that grief for about a year and a half, then it about broke me. I tried counseling, but I didn’t get the right counselor so it wasn’t helpful and my husband criticized me for seeking counseling, which made it all the harder to move forward. I began to withdraw from my life, I began seeking out all sorts of things to make me feel better, but nothing worked and I finally got to a point I could no longer function. This is the point I sought help. I spent a week in a psych hospital and for the first time I had someone listen to me and hear the pain I was going through inside. I finally had someone show me the compassion I needed, the compassion my mother would have shown me.

Being in an unsupportive marriage is not conducive to maintaining a healthy mental lifestyle. I began to grieve deeply over the demise of my marriage for years while still being married. Through all of the abuse and alienation and disrespect I could see that this marriage would not last. I don’t take marriage lightly, in spite of my track record, so I did grieve that it was going to end. I grieved for my son who would not grow up with his parents together, a life he really wanted and I had really wanted to give him. I also grieved over the life I lost, the pieces of me that were crushed under the weight of a narcissist’s ego. But like I said, I began grieving all of this while still in the marriage. Once the grieving over this loss was to a point I could face it, I gained the strength to leave.

Learning that my best friend of 39 years is terminally ill began another grieving process that is still on going. We met in preschool and have maintained a friendship that always picks up where it left off, even through multiple moves, marriages and children between us. She always calls me her sister from another mister and I couldn’t love her any more than if she were my biological sister. We have both endured hard times and both have come out on the other side with positivity and compassion. The day she told me that she may not make it till the end of this year I began grieving losing her. Grieving someone while they are still alive is different than once they’ve already passed on. I can still talk to her and text her, but I’m already missing her. I don’t want to waste the time I still have with her being sad and missing her while she is still with me. I’m still navigating this grief and just have to take it as it comes.

I recently lost someone I loved, someone I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him deeply, but our relationship hit a point that I could not continue as it was. Having escaped a life/relationship of abuse multiple times, I could not willingly set myself up for a future like that. It broke my heart to hold my boundaries with him because the abuse wasn’t directed toward me, but the behavior was abuse to endure. We separated and then He passed away. My heart is still in shock from this and the healing process will take time, but this time around I am not stuffing it down or setting it aside, I am sitting in this, feeling it all as it comes even if it means I cry for days straight or feel numb and empty. I am learning through this and every day a little more healing happens, a little more hope builds and I am able to see that future of happiness and purpose that he would want me to have. He only ever wanted me to be happy, to be safe and to be loved. I am on my way, slowly but surely.

Grief is tricky, its hard and it can be agonizing, but not allowing yourself to wallow in it is the first step to finding some peace through it. We are told that there are negative emotions – anger, sadness, grief and we should avoid them, but what I’ve learned is that they aren’t negative emotions, they are some of our emotions. All of our emotions are valid and should be felt. How we act or react to these emotions is what can be negative. Naming the emotion that you are dealing with, knowing the root cause of it (and digging deep to find the root if need be) and allowing yourself, giving yourself permission to feel it will lead to healing from it. Take it from me, pushing the emotion aside because you don’t want to face it only leads to deeper hurt, prolonged agony and walls being built to avoid feeling it ever again. I will say, I’ve learned more through the hard times and difficult emotions than I ever did through the good times. I am stronger when I face it head on. So for now, I’m putting on my helmet and heading into the battle full force so I can come out stronger on the other side.