One Step Ahead of Fear

Respect.  A word with so many facets, so many levels, so powerful an anthem was written about it and yet it is so incredibly simple. Simply put, respect, also called esteem, is a positive feeling or action shown towards someone or something considered important or held in high esteem or regard.  It conveys a sense of admiration for good or valuable qualities.

Being respected by the important people in our lives while we’re young helps us learn how to be respectful toward others,  i.e. following instructions, manners, sharing, accept somebody for who they are, even when they’re different from you or you don’t agree with them. Mutual respect in relationships builds trust and creates a safe space for growth. But somewhere along the way we also learn about disrespect.  We’ve all at some point disrespected someone and in turn been disrespected.  As humans we don’t always act appropriately or kindly, especially in the wake of someone’s disrespect.  

As a child my mother taught me what respect looks like by being an amazing example with the people she interacted with.  She was kind and friendly to anyone that approached her, but would also be firm if they did not grant her the same respect, she wasn’t mean or disrespectful, just had a way of diffusing the negativity gracefully. Upon her passing, I heard so many stories of her kindness and respect that she gave to everyone around her, especially, in her profession as a nurse, to her patients at the VA. She extended respect to me and my brother at home, especially as we both got older, she respected that we had our own minds and likes and opinions and allowed us to make choices on our own and in turn we respected her all the more for that. My brother and I both have done the same with our own kids, giving them a voice in their own lives, allowing them to learn from their own choices and mistakes so they can properly navigate their lives and how to deal with other’s disrespect. 

She also showed so much grace in dealing with being disrespected by someone she loved. Our home, for the most part, was peaceful, looking back now I attribute that mostly to my mother.  She shielded us from a lot of the disrespect that she was shown by our father and never allowed us to disrespect him.  I witnessed it a few times and it left a sour taste in my mouth, I couldn’t understand how he could yell at her and she wouldn’t respond in kind.  I would see her go home and cry in her room. When I look back on those times, my heart breaks for her.  She did so much for this man and our entire family and to be disrespected like that over something stupid I just couldn’t reconcile that in my head or my heart. 

When I was approached by similar disrespect from men, I tried handling it the way my mother did, but I have too much fire in my soul to do that. I would offer respect until it was no longer given in return. I would try to navigate the relationship back to mutual respect, but because I was the only one trying to do that it never happened.  I spent years living under disrespect and when I would test it to the point of no return I would finally walk away. I’ve been called unthinkable things by men that supposedly loved me, been treated as an object, as a place holder, as a maid, a baby machine, as their own emotional punching bag, all in the name of love. Part of the active definition of respect is to avoid harming or interfering with and it’s truly sad that I could count on less than one hand how many men I’ve been involved with that live up to that, so few men that did what they could to avoid harming me (physically, emotionally, mentally) or interfering with my life and my purpose. I have not been at all a priority to the men I’ve married and dated, I’ve always been at the bottom of their list and I accepted that as the norm for so long, I actually became numb to it at a certain point. But it stops here. I will no longer be the outlet for a man to disrespect me, to treat me as “his” possession, to disrespect my choices because they don’t line up with his, to use me for having “fun” and leave me hanging out to dry emotionally, to undermine my intelligence or treat me as less valuable than I am.  I am worthy of respect, I am worthy of compassion, I am worthy of being cherished for who I am. I am more than just a body.  I am kind, I am compassionate and empathetic.  I am someone that won’t be kept down or under someone else’s control.  I am smart and funny, I am fair and honest. I am stronger and more courageous than you can ever imagine. I am who I was created to be and if you can’t respect all of me then you have no place in my life. The disrespect ends today.