One Step Ahead of Fear

Bare minimum. The smallest possible quantity or the least fulfilling, but still adequate, condition that is required, acceptable, or suitable for some purpose. 

For so many years of my adult life I was denied the bare minimum from my partner. I would beg for him to hold my hand, tell me something good I did or if I look pretty, and to include me in decisions for our family, but the begging only made it worse.  He withdrew so far from me that I felt alienated, alone and unworthy.  I couldn’t seem to do anything right in his eyes. I would do anything he asked just to bring back the love, affection, affirmation that he always used to give, but it never did.  I wasted good years believing that if I did enough, said enough, apologized enough that I would finally BE enough. He knew how I received & felt love, but refused to do those things to help me feel secure in our relationship telling me that he just wasn’t “built that way” to show affection or be affirming.  At the beginning of the relationship, before we had a child together, he was very affectionate and affirming so I knew that was an excuse and not a deficiency. The majority of our arguments would start from me voicing that my needs were not being met and would consist of immense disrespect towards me (I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I don’t hit below the belt in arguments) and would last for hours with him eventually “acknowledging and apologizing” and saying he would try harder and do better.  This would last about 3-4 days and then he would revert right back to his same behavior. It was a vicious cycle leaving me desperate and begging for just the bare minimum. This was one of the saddest times in my life. To him, I would never be “worthy” enough of being given the bare minimum and nothing I could do would change that.  

What I COULD change was my mindset that I AM enough just as I am and through changing my mindset I was able to gain the courage to walk away from the disrespect. When I walked away I made a vow to myself to never again beg for the bare minimum from someone, You will never get the best of me while giving me the bare minimum. I will never again stay in a relationship that left me feeling desperate for those most basic of needs. Actions speak way louder than words and consistency speaks louder than both so I’m only going to choose someone that always makes me feel wanted.  From my experiences, men really don’t like for you to verbalize how you need to be loved, so I say, if it bothers you that much to give me basic human courtesy, you don’t have to be the one to love me. Peace.