One Step Ahead of Fear

Trauma. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience. We have all experienced trauma of some form or fashion in our lives, whether it be physical, mental, emotional or even spiritual. Trauma can be debilitating, it can change the course of our lives in an instant, it can change our outlook on what we’re doing and how we’re doing it. Unaddressed trauma can resurface and cause even more distress as time wears on.

Recently I went to see a horror movie, which for me was traumatic in itself because I don’t like the horror culture. But aside from having some terrifying dreams and the inability to sleep for a couple nights, I was able to pull from the deeper theme of the movie and it inspired me to write this post. The premise of the movie was that an evil spirit transferred from being to being as a result of trauma, specifically witnessing suicide. As the main character tried to escape the wrath of this spirit the underlying theme that we can never escape our trauma really prevailed in the end, that our trauma will eventually destroy us and continue the cycle of creating trauma in others. The main character had childhood trauma that she never truly dealt with and while trying to escape the wrath of the spirit by trying to break the trauma cycle, the spirit played off of her childhood trauma and a very disturbing image at the close of the movie showed her trauma trying to climb its way back into her, leaving her defenseless and she succumbed to the trauma and the cycle continued.

Much like the movie, our trauma, if unacknowledged or left undealt with, can create a cycle in our lives where we lose sight of our purpose and pass along our trauma to others, even unintentionally. For years I watched those closest to me treat the trauma in their lives as something to shove to the back of the closet, something to hide away from the rest of the world because it wasn’t pretty or happy. If they never let anyone see the ugliness they endured then they were held in higher regard because that meant they were blessed and favored above others. But as time dragged on the residual effects of hiding away their trauma and pretending it never happened couldn’t be hidden, their eyes were empty and dead and they couldn’t maintain the façade any longer.

When I, out of survival, had to do the same I came to a point of losing a grip on reality and felt as though my mind was not my own, much like the main character in the horror movie, but my horror was real. I made the crucial decision to leave that life behind. I sought help and faced my trauma head on because I could not allow myself to surrender my life to the excruciating fate that I was for sure to endure. I am not saying it is at all easy to deal with your trauma, it can be some of the hardest and most terrifying work you’ll ever do, but it will also be some of the most rewarding work. With each traumatic event I’ve been faced with in my life it has become a little easier to address it – first I had to give it a name, once I named it I took some of it’s power back; I then had to attack it by talking about it, talking about it takes even more of it’s power away and the more I talked about it the stronger and more courageous I felt; with courage and strength I was able to, with the help of an amazing therapist, put a plan in place to consistently address the issues the trauma had brought into my daily life and ways to not just cope with but to overcome those issues as they arose; I had to also give it time, it’s not an overnight battle to be won, it is more like a war that can last and linger for years, but with daily strides to defeat the enemy healing happened on a more regular basis. My trauma is never completely gone, but it’s what I’ve chosen to do with it, how I’ve chosen to rebuild from it and healing with intention that has allowed me to see the fruitful future that awaits me.

I encourage each of you to reach out for help, that is the first step. Find someone you trust to confide in and they can help guide you to the next step on your road to healing. If you don’t have someone in your life that you can trust, reach out to me, I will always be available to help in any way I can.