One Step Ahead of Fear

I know it’s been far too long since I’ve written anything, almost 17 months. There have been times I wanted to write, but just as quick as the desire came it quickly flittered off. I have so much going on inside my head as well as my heart, I just don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll just jump in and see where this goes.

Losing my son has been life changing – frequent anxiety attacks, increased feelings of inadequacy, increased need for sleep, increased forgetfulness, change in how I see the world and so much more. I’ve changed jobs twice since I last wrote, moved again to another new state and I’m in another relationship. My daughter has moved out of state, back with me and then out of state again. My world looks very different, I’m different, yet the same, if that makes any sense. The core of who I am hasn’t changed, I just see some things differently and react/respond differently. I feel lost, a lot.

But I do have someone in my life that lets me be whoever and however I am at any given moment. He lets me cry when I need to cry and NEVER assumes its about him or that I am looking for drama or anything other than compassion. He listens and asks what I need from him in that moment – do I need action or just comfort. He’s suffered his own trauma so he knows how to deal with mine and me his. We talk about things that are bothering us, whether it be about each other or something else and we don’t hold everything in, we talk about it quickly so it doesn’t fester. He is respectful of when I need my space to process my thoughts and feelings and vice versa. I love to be with him all the time, but I don’t have to be. I feel secure in our relationship, which I can say is a first for me. I don’t ever worry about his loyalty to me or if he misses me, he shows me daily. I know how he feels about me without him having to say anything because he puts his love in action. He takes interest in things that interest me, not everything, but the important things and I do the same for him. It’s incredible finally getting to experience healthy love, a love that doesn’t ask for more than I can give or require me to chase or beg, a love that never manipulates or uses, a love that has equal partners that fills in what the other is lacking. In all honesty, I don’t know how I would have coped during the last 15 months without him. He has been my rock and my soft place to land all at the same time.

I don’t have a clever quip this time, my brain can’t seem to come up with one, but next time for sure. And it will definitely not be another 17 months before next time.