One Step Ahead of Fear

Effort. Conscious exertion of power; hard work; a serious attempt. While chatting with a friend today we got on the topic of effort. As we all know, effort means something different to each person, especially when it comes to relationships. I’ve witness and experienced so many different levels of effort in so many different scenarios.  For some just simply being there is enough effort to give to a relationship and all should be well. For others effort is purely monetary, give money and that’s all they’re willing to do.  Then there are those who don’t know when to stop giving all their effort, even when they receive nothing in return.  I’ve watched women treat a relationship as a source for attention and so therefore all the effort falls on the other half.  I’ve seen men treat a relationship as a smörgåsbord to satisfy all their needs and wants and never giving in return.  It’s not one side or the other that fails more, effort is all up to each of us how much we’re willing to invest.  

Equal effort is the source of a lasting relationship, but so many of us have never really experienced a relationship with true equal effort.  It was put to me by my pastor years ago when struggling in my marriage at the time that effort isn’t 50/50 in a relationship, we should both be bringing our 100% to the relationship.  There are times when one can’t give full effort and the other picks up their slack, whether that be 50/150, 75/125 or even 0/200, but it shouldn’t stay that way for long because the partner picking up the slack gets worn out if they’re carrying the weight of the relationship all on their own. I carried the weight for both of us in that marriage for years and I broke, the trust broke, the marriage broke.  There was no effort being put forth by my partner, he told me he felt that since I had made mistakes that I should be the one to fix it all, that I should be the one to carry it all.  The problem with that thinking is that nothing would ever be fixed if only one of us was fighting for it, if only one of us was putting in any effort. I made it a point to make sure he knew I was giving it my all because that’s what I do for those I care for.  But over time of not have any relief and not getting anything back, my all became less and less because I just had nothing more to give to him that he hadn’t already taken.  He then complained that I wasn’t doing enough, that he wasn’t feeling like I loved him or cared anymore about our marriage.  I was completely depleted and my only option was to walk away from what was draining me of what life and love I had left. 

Recently, I’ve been learning and seeing different ways that effort can be shown, even in the smallest of things.  It could be just remembering something for the other person or about the other person.  It could be reading your partners behavior and recognizing that there is something they are battling in their head or heart and adjusting your behavior in order to help them through it.  It could be offering to do something for them that, even though small, could make a huge impact on their day and ease their stress.  It could simply be making them laugh or smile or affirming them in a personal way that they just know you care.  Effort isn’t something to choose to do later, you could break the bond by showing your partner that they aren’t enough for you to simply try for.

If someone isn’t worth your effort, walk away and don’t waste their time trying to give their all to you just so you can get your rocks off and leave them without.