One Step Ahead of Fear

It’s been a minute since I last posted, but I am back now.  This past year has been one of the worst years of my life. I suffered multiple traumas in the year since my last post and I had so much my mind was trying to process through that trying to form complete thoughts was difficult, to say the least. I tried so many times to write during it, but the words would just not come. But here I am, ready to let it all out so bear with me as I muddle through. 

“I can’t afford any more situations in my life that bring out the worst in me. It’s exhausting and requires too much for me to recover from. I need calmness and gentleness in my life. Anything outside of that I don’t have the capacity for it.”

Resilience – the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. I have been told far too many times than I have cared for of how resilient I am.  How strong I am.  I don’t disagree with these facts, but I would really like to have someone be strong for me, to give me strength for once.  Tough times show people’s true colors, what they are capable of handling, how supportive they are, how much compassion they can offer.

I know I have already spoken on grief, but almost a year ago I entered a new realm of grief I never thought I would have to survive. The loss of a child.  As I was faced with this unfathomable pain I began to wonder, how do I do this? How do I get through this pain? How do I even begin to understand why this had to happen? And then 6 weeks later I was dealt another blow, my lifelong best friend passed.

They say until you’ve gone through something you can’t really understand it, which I believe is true, but you can have compassion and sympathy for someone going through something you’ve never experienced. There are those that will offer the compassion and be there, then there are those who will say they don’t understand and will leave you to deal with it on your own. I’ve dealt with both types going through this grief. The person that I needed the most was the later. I thought they would support me emotionally through this, but I kept feeling I was left alone to deal with it, true colors revealed themselves. They sought advice from people that didn’t know me to ask how they could be supportive and followed the advice to “give me space.” They never asked me what I needed, which space never would have been the answer. Once I was able to share with them what I did need, for them to hold me and let me know they are there and they’ll be strong for me, they never tried, they continued with space. The pain grew and I felt alone in it, emotions built up and eventually boiled over. Accusations that I was seeking drama by voicing my needs were like daggers to my soul and I felt hopeless and utterly alone. I was isolated from all those that would have been there for me, that would have supported me. One final straw was added to the camels back and I left. Apologies have since been given, but the hurt they left in me is still there and I have chosen to not let them back in, I can’t. Another lesson learned.

In contrast, I have since had people come into my life that have sat with me now, let me cry and have held me and said “you aren’t alone, I’ve got you”. These people I keep close. They have proven that I am valued to them and that they will hold a place in my life as long as they want it. To my tribe, I thank you with all of me.

I believe that this life is not meant to be easy, that was never a promise given to us. I believe that the difficult things in life teach us valuable lessons in strength, courage and tenacity. I also believe that we aren’t meant to go at it alone. I’ve experienced how giving the pain, the confusion, the grief and frustration over to the one who made me, the one who saved me, can actually allow me to survive them. At almost a year past, I’m at a point of survival I never thought I’d be at so quickly. I am not over it by any means, I still have days where it is heavy, but I’m able to get up every single day and be able to smile, to laugh and to feel love and that is not something I could have done on my own abilities.

So in conclusion, if someone is making you feel alone, walk toward someone who will make you feel loved, it will only benefit your wellbeing. It’s not easy out there, but we can muddle through the puddles of this life if we just cling to each other.